Simi opened the French door to allow the breeze to float through the room, The view was breath taking, the sun on the horizon peeping through the white fluffy clouds, the gentle waves caressing and lapping the golden sands. Simi stood on the balcony breathing in the salty sea air, the gentle refreshing breeze danced through her cascade of brown curls.
As she stood there silently, the calmness of the early dawn made her nostalgic. She had got up early when Anoop had left for work at 6.30 am, and not being able to go back to sleep decided to catch up with some more writing. Simi thought I have been working on this book for weeks I have to clear my mind and remove this writer’s block. .
Simi turned around, put aside her coffee cup and switched on the computer and logged in. As always she was greeted with a good morning greeting, each and every morning as clock work a charming message would be awaiting for her. Simi looked at it and a smile lighted up her face. Crazy, crazy Raj, everyday he found the most beautiful messages to send to her and today was no exception.
Raj, the fun loving, fanatical guy, that Simi had come across one day when she was on the creative writing forum. She enjoyed the debates there and it was on one of these occasions that Simi had come to a head to head discussion with Raj.Since that day, their meetings became frequent on the forum. Each and everyday there was either a personal message or scrap or something from Raj and soon Simi and Raj became the best of friends, chatting on messenger, sharing ideas and general chit chat. Simi found Raj so easy to talk to, she enjoyed the teasing, the casual flirting, the jokes, the criticism, the general chitchats and debates. In Raj she found a soul mate some one to fill the void, an empty space that remained in a small corner of her heart that cried out I am lonely.
Simi read the message and opened her file to start her work but the writer’s block wouldn’t shift. She decided to get her bathing suit and go for a swim. She collected her towel, sunglasses, and beach bag and strolled down to the beach. The water was cool and inviting as Simi walked barefooted on the golden sands, each wave, tickling and caressing her bare feet.
It’s nearly 5 years since we have been married Anoop and I…An arranged marriage. She recalled mamas words saying “There’s a proposal that has come for you Simi .His name is Anoop, he is sensible, intelligent a well to do upcoming lawyer who is on the verge of gaining a partnership in his law firm. And you know Simi they don’t even mind you completing your studies after marriage.” ………Anoop it seemed was a model son, who looked after his widowed mother, worked hard and had done well for him self. He was from a respectable family, well cultured and fully well matched with traditions and rituals that Simi was well accustomed to. Anoop, a perfect gentleman who was an ideal member of society. Simi, youngest of three siblings was also brought up in an orthodox upper middle class family, where extended family, rituals and good behaviour, and traditions were of utmost importance. She was brought up in a sheltered environment where children were seen but not heard, she was totally naive, innocent absolutely clueless in matters of the heart.Totally groomed to perfection to be a dutiful wife, to cook and clean and was trained to be a cultural and well brought up young lady. Mama said Anoop was ideal in everyway and within two weeks of the proposal coming Simi and Anoop were engaged and the marriage was arranged for three months time.
The first year of marriage, both Anoop and Simi tried to settle in each others company, Anoop trying to secure his partnership and Simi trying to come to terms with the expectations of married life, juggling with running the house and at the same time busy with her studies and upcoming final exams. Both Simi and Anoop were each engrossed in their own worlds, Anoop was happy he had a dutiful wife and an ideal daughter in law- for his mother-every mothers dream , to parade in society. There were occasional snatched moments of theatre trips, dinners, meeting friends but mostly revolved around Anoops clients and soon the each found a comfort in the other as two friends sharing a house. Anoop was caring, understanding but quiet, he liked his space and independence and Simi kept her self busy in her studies, and her hobby of creative writing. Soon Simi passed her exams and completed her studies, found a good job and settled into a routine of work and home life. At weekends Anoop and Simi hunted for a new apartment and finally when they found it Simi spent months decorating it and choosing furniture.
Soon the apartment was complete and life carried on as always. But somehow Simi started to feel restless, now that her studies were over, the apartment was pristine there was not much else to do. Anoop worked long hours and the times Simi and Anoop spent together were progressively getting less and less. In was during this period that Simi became impatient, she began to experience the empty void in her life, she felt she had all the material things in life but there was something lacking yet she could not pin point it. Thoughts raced through Simi’s mind, thinking of times with Anoop trying to find a happy place.
Many questions tormented her mind about life it self………..Simi deliberated in her mind….. Life seems to be charming, but my heart is darkening. I remember the depth of your eyes, In my heart your love still lies and life seems to be a bed of dreams than what is this void that’s making me so unhappy?? The day dreamed continued ………………When I wake up to see the sun beam, I wish I could see it through your eyes, so I would know what you like to see. I wish I knew your wishes, so I could give you everything you want. I wish I dreamed the same dreams you do, and together we could make them come true. I wish I knew what makes you happy, so I could make you the happiest person in the whole world. ………I want to joke and laugh with you, I want to feel and tussle your hair. I want to know, to be sure ,I am somewhere in your heart. I want to say to you ,you make my world…you make my life….you make me feel better….you make me love…you make me cry…you make each part of my life within…. yet why cant I EXPERIENCE THIS WITH YOU???
Overwhelmed with grief, Simi sat down on her towel, the sun went behind the cloud and Simi began to shiver, the tears spilled the words her heart could not bear. They rolled down her face, her heart heavy with this burden, this void that was swallowing her inner peace. She continued with her thoughts, I know feelings that portray life are not straight and easy corridor along which we travel free and unhampered, but a maze of passages, through which we must seek our way, lost and bewildered. Sometimes I feel so hurt, so confused I cannot bear this turmoil. Why do I get these types of moments in my live? ………….Some dreams and wishes will be always in your heart, which may never come true under any circumstances but I can reason with that. ………..Simi thought isn’t it sad that when you have so much pain in your heart and you want to talk, the only person who can stop you from crying is exactly the same person who made you cry?
The sun came out from behind the cloud, almost beckoning Simi saying cheer up, Simi heard the laughter of children splashing and frolicking in the sea nearby. A smile peeped across her tear stained face, she folded her towel slipped on her sarong and made her way back to the apartment. As she sat at the computer there were many off liners on the messenger all from Raj “hey beautiful, are you there?? hi, missed your reply, where are you?” Simi thought maybe this is my problem, maybe I should not chat to Raj, why am I constantly comparing Anoop to him, why do I feel more comfortable with Raj then I do with Anoop, maybe If I spent more time with Anoop, joked and laughed with him and got to understand him better, maybe I can bring more laughter into our lives, maybe we can revive the LOST LOVE…… Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they’ve got…………. Sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow, we must fail in order to know, and sometimes our vision clears only after our eyes are washed away with tears.………………….It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at our past, and ourselves in the light of experience, with acceptance, and growth.
With this thought in mind, Simi deleted the off liners, Sorry Raj, I have to give this one last try to clear the void in my life…….
Copyright ©2007 Nayna Kanabar