lost love…

Simi opened the French door to allow the breeze to float through the room, The view was breath taking, the sun on the horizon peeping through the white fluffy clouds, the gentle waves caressing and lapping the golden sands. Simi stood on the balcony breathing in the salty sea air, the gentle refreshing breeze danced through her cascade of brown curls.

As she stood there silently, the calmness of the early dawn made her nostalgic. She had got up early when Anoop had left for work at 6.30 am, and not being able to go back to sleep decided to catch up with some more writing. Simi thought I have been working on this book for weeks I have to clear my mind and remove this writer’s block. .

Simi turned around, put aside her coffee cup and switched on the computer and logged in. As always she was greeted with a good morning greeting, each and every morning as clock work a charming message would be awaiting for her. Simi looked at it and a smile lighted up her face. Crazy, crazy Raj, everyday he found the most beautiful messages to send to her and today was no exception.

Raj, the fun loving, fanatical guy, that Simi had come across one day when she was on the creative writing forum. She enjoyed the debates there and it was on one of these occasions that Simi had come to a head to head discussion with Raj.Since that day, their meetings became frequent on the forum. Each and everyday there was either a personal message or scrap or something from Raj and soon Simi and Raj became the best of friends, chatting on messenger, sharing ideas and general chit chat. Simi found Raj so easy to talk to, she enjoyed the teasing, the casual flirting, the jokes, the criticism, the general chitchats and debates. In Raj she found a soul mate some one to fill the void, an empty space that remained in a small corner of her heart that cried out I am lonely.

Simi read the message and opened her file to start her work but the writer’s block wouldn’t shift. She decided to get her bathing suit and go for a swim. She collected her towel, sunglasses, and beach bag and strolled down to the beach. The water was cool and inviting as Simi walked barefooted on the golden sands, each wave, tickling and caressing her bare feet.

It’s nearly 5 years since we have been married Anoop and I…An arranged marriage. She recalled mamas words saying “There’s a proposal that has come for you Simi .His name is Anoop, he is sensible, intelligent a well to do upcoming lawyer who is on the verge of gaining a partnership in his law firm. And you know Simi they don’t even mind you completing your studies after marriage.” ………Anoop it seemed was a model son, who looked after his widowed mother, worked hard and had done well for him self. He was from a respectable family, well cultured and fully well matched with traditions and rituals that Simi was well accustomed to. Anoop, a perfect gentleman who was an ideal member of society. Simi, youngest of three siblings was also brought up in an orthodox upper middle class family, where extended family, rituals and good behaviour, and traditions were of utmost importance. She was brought up in a sheltered environment where children were seen but not heard, she was totally naive, innocent absolutely clueless in matters of the heart.Totally groomed to perfection to be a dutiful wife, to cook and clean and was trained to be a cultural and well brought up young lady. Mama said Anoop was ideal in everyway and within two weeks of the proposal coming Simi and Anoop were engaged and the marriage was arranged for three months time.

The first year of marriage, both Anoop and Simi tried to settle in each others company, Anoop trying to secure his partnership and Simi trying to come to terms with the expectations of married life, juggling with running the house and at the same time busy with her studies and upcoming final exams. Both Simi and Anoop were each engrossed in their own worlds, Anoop was happy he had a dutiful wife and an ideal daughter in law- for his mother-every mothers dream , to parade in society. There were occasional snatched moments of theatre trips, dinners, meeting friends but mostly revolved around Anoops clients and soon the each found a comfort in the other as two friends sharing a house. Anoop was caring, understanding but quiet, he liked his space and independence and Simi kept her self busy in her studies, and her hobby of creative writing. Soon Simi passed her exams and completed her studies, found a good job and settled into a routine of work and home life. At weekends Anoop and Simi hunted for a new apartment and finally when they found it Simi spent months decorating it and choosing furniture.

Soon the apartment was complete and life carried on as always. But somehow Simi started to feel restless, now that her studies were over, the apartment was pristine there was not much else to do. Anoop worked long hours and the times Simi and Anoop spent together were progressively getting less and less. In was during this period that Simi became impatient, she began to experience the empty void in her life, she felt she had all the material things in life but there was something lacking yet she could not pin point it. Thoughts raced through Simi’s mind, thinking of times with Anoop trying to find a happy place.

Many questions tormented her mind about life it self………..Simi deliberated in her mind….. Life seems to be charming, but my heart is darkening. I remember the depth of your eyes, In my heart your love still lies and life seems to be a bed of dreams than what is this void that’s making me so unhappy?? The day dreamed continued ………………When I wake up to see the sun beam, I wish I could see it through your eyes, so I would know what you like to see. I wish I knew your wishes, so I could give you everything you want. I wish I dreamed the same dreams you do, and together we could make them come true. I wish I knew what makes you happy, so I could make you the happiest person in the whole world. ………I want to joke and laugh with you, I want to feel and tussle your hair. I want to know, to be sure ,I am somewhere in your heart. I want to say to you ,you make my world…you make my life….you make me feel better….you make me love…you make me cry…you make each part of my life within…. yet why cant I EXPERIENCE THIS WITH YOU???

Overwhelmed with grief, Simi sat down on her towel, the sun went behind the cloud and Simi began to shiver, the tears spilled the words her heart could not bear. They rolled down her face, her heart heavy with this burden, this void that was swallowing her inner peace. She continued with her thoughts, I know feelings that portray life are not straight and easy corridor along which we travel free and unhampered, but a maze of passages, through which we must seek our way, lost and bewildered. Sometimes I feel so hurt, so confused I cannot bear this turmoil. Why do I get these types of moments in my live? ………….Some dreams and wishes will be always in your heart, which may never come true under any circumstances but I can reason with that. ………..Simi thought isn’t it sad that when you have so much pain in your heart and you want to talk, the only person who can stop you from crying is exactly the same person who made you cry?

The sun came out from behind the cloud, almost beckoning Simi saying cheer up, Simi heard the laughter of children splashing and frolicking in the sea nearby. A smile peeped across her tear stained face, she folded her towel slipped on her sarong and made her way back to the apartment. As she sat at the computer there were many off liners on the messenger all from Raj “hey beautiful, are you there?? hi, missed your reply, where are you?” Simi thought maybe this is my problem, maybe I should not chat to Raj, why am I constantly comparing Anoop to him, why do I feel more comfortable with Raj then I do with Anoop, maybe If I spent more time with Anoop, joked and laughed with him and got to understand him better, maybe I can bring more laughter into our lives, maybe we can revive the LOST LOVE…… Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they’ve got…………. Sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow, we must fail in order to know, and sometimes our vision clears only after our eyes are washed away with tears.………………….It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at our past, and ourselves in the light of experience, with acceptance, and growth.

With this thought in mind, Simi deleted the off liners, Sorry Raj, I have to give this one last try to clear the void in my life…….

Copyright ©2007 Nayna Kanabar

Published in: on August 13, 2008 at 7:36 pm  Comments (11)  

the dream….

…the only light in the music room was from the candle, its silent glow casting eerie shadows.Slowly Sara walked up to the piano, she heard footsteps, she turned around  but was motionless. She tried to scream, but no sound came out of her mouth, her knuckles white with fear, her face full of  terror. In the background  she could hear  music, it became louder and louder. An unusual sound, a sound of horror like nails scratching on a chalk board. It hurt her ears. Sara wanted it to stop. Suddenly she felt an eerie chill, her vocals opened and she let out a blood curdling scream of …pain. She heard laughing, not a fun laugh, not even an evil laugh, just a laugh of success and triumph.

Sara stared into the  ajacent mirror, her complexion  ghostly white ,her clothes wet with perspiration.Trembling like a leaf, she picked up the candlestick ,turned around and hurled it across the room. A mirror shattered into a thousand fragments.The laughter got louder and louder, Sara felt a tightness around her throat , she was trapped there was no escape    …………………………………………..

copyright @ Nayna Kanabar2008

Published in: on August 10, 2008 at 3:00 pm  Comments (8)  

First Love….

I had written this story  awhile back and had posted it on my yahoo blog , So I thought to repost it here to share with my new friends….


Sitting under the almond blossom,Ashie thought calm, dependable, always available,always there in one word “boring” Is this how I want people to see me in life?

From as far back as I can remember this is the description I have lived with, am I that boring? Is being a perfectionist being dreary? Is being available at midnight to wipe your best friends tears dependable? Is studying to make your parents proud a sin, a crime, does this make me a sad case??……………….Then why is it that day in and day out, I feeling I am stereotyped with these characteristics. Why doesn’t the hottest guy in college give me a second look ? Why don’t I get asked to all the parties that happen at weekends? Why am I so predictable and dependable? Do people in this day and age not respect people that are responsible??

So it was when I was in one of these self pity moods that I heard a voice call “ Is this place reserved, or can anyone sit here?? “I didn’t bother to look up or answer but continued to stare into space my thoughts eating me. The stranger plonked himself on the bench, next to me invading the calmness and serenity of my thoughts. The breeze gentle kissed the almond blossom as the vibrant blossom danced and caressed each other on the branches.

Feeling a little annoyed at the invasion of my privacy, I ignored the stranger but much to my annoyance he started to rustle in his shoulder bag produced a half shrivelled ripped paper bag and offered it to me “would u like a sweet??”Not wanting to appear rude, I looked up at the stranger and to my surprise I stared straight into the most beautiful brown eyes I had ever laid my eyes on. A mop of tussled hair and sporting a lop sided pair of spectacles met my gaze. An out stretched hand offered me the bag, without thinking I took a sweet and popped it into my mouth. “Hi ,I am Rohit” he said smiling with his eyes, “I have been watching you for a while ,you were in the poetry class earlier right??? I am new in the college, felt a little lost and I thought you seemed approachable, I hope you don’t mind??”

Here goes Ashie thought to her self dependable, approachable even this stranger thinks that of me!!! “Oh sorry I am Ashie, pleased to meet you.” This is how Ashie and Rohit met,…………….Each day under the almond blossom they would laugh and chat and discuss the day’s events and everyday Rohit would bring a bag of shrivelled sweets to share. Ashie felt so comfortable in Rohit’s company, she could laugh and joke, They chatted about their studies, discussed their writings plans, the debates and in general the English degree she was doing became that much more fun and interesting. Rohit was full of inspiration, he never mocked or judged Ashie, his criticisms very genuine and the pair became inseparable. Where the time passed in Rohit’s company Ashie never knew .The whole semester passed and exams were fast approaching, Ashie and Rohit studied together, Rohit was calm and influencing while Ashie was methodical and the two together made good study notes.

It was during these moments Ashie realised something strange was happening to her. When Rohits hand would brush against Ashie or he looked at her, her heart started to race uncontrollably and skipped a beat. Ashie began to feel that her feelings towards Rohit has changed, she couldn’t understand what was happening to her.

She spent days and hours just longing to chat to him, she had never experienced these types of feelings before, and every awakening was a pleasure, each day a god’s gift. Ashie started to live for those hours and minutes she spent with Rohit.

Exams came and exams went Ashie had to go and visit her grand mother in another town; Rohit too was going to go home to his family to attend his sisters engagement. Ashie spent the week with her grandmother meeting cousins, catching up with all her family and the week went with out realising.

Ashie returned home all at once missing the fact that she hadn’t seen Rohit in a whole week, all her feelings and all the old thoughts engulfed her and she thought today I will meet Rohit and tell him how I feel. Rohit was returning the next day so Ashie had arranged to meet him under the usual meeting place the almond blossom tree.

Next day Ashie made an extra effort with her appearance, she brushed her hair a hundred times, just added a little dash of lipstick and sprayed herself with her favourite perfume. On the way she thought she would buy Rohit’s favourite sweets as a surprise for him. She arrived under the tree to see Rohit already waiting there for her. She felt almost shy at seeing him after a whole week, “Hi” he said “gosh what’s wrong with you” Rohit joked “you look beautiful!! “Ashie was taken back with this comment, Rohit had never before complimented her in this manner, and her heart began to race as she stretched her hand out to Rohit to present him with the sweets.

Rohit took one and popped one into his mouth “Thanks Ashie ,you remembered my favourites.” They sat down and both chatted for a while about their week away, Ashie blabbered about her trip , her cousins and grandma. Rohit about the engagement. It was than that Rohit said “You know Ashie I want to tell you something,” Ashie’s heart skipped a beat , her fingers became clammy . Her body shivered waiting in anticipation for Rohit’s words. Rohit looked at Ashie “I need your help, I am getting engaged next month.” Ashie was rooted to the spot, her whole body numb with shock, her mouth dry and her face pale and lifeless. “Hey you ok Ashie ? I am not that bad a catch you know” joked Rohit. “I met Maya, my child hood friend and after spending the whole week with each other, our parents think it would be good for us to get engaged now that our studies are almost over. What do you say Ashie you will help me won’t you?”

Words evaded Ashie’s mouth , no sound would penetrate her vocals, trying extremely hard to hold back the tears, Ashie replied “Of course I will help you, remember me dependable, predictable Ashie always there for her friends!!!………………and the breeze gentle kissed the almond blossom as the vibrant blossom danced and caressed each other on the branches…………first love shattered!!

Copyright ©2007 Nayna Kanabar

Published in: on August 6, 2008 at 10:47 am  Comments (11)